It's Time

I have been doing a bit of soul searching lately. I have come to the conclusion that my "issues" are bigger than I am and I need some assistance dealing with them. One of the things that I have found out is that I am an angry person. I have a few ideas of what I am so angry about, but I have not come to terms with how to deal with it...Yet. I have also found that I wake up in the morning, and I mean Most mornings and my body it tight, firm, rigid... Fists clenched, Legs, arms and shoulders tight, and jaws clamped tightly together. Then, when I realize I am all clenched up, I have to physically make myself relax.
I have been reading about meditation the past week or so, and I would like to look deeper into that, I have also been curious about Yoga, but am looking for a good place to start. Today I have an appointment with a Therapist, who is also an ARPN so can prescribe meds. We will see what happens... I did talk to my regular doctor about this and he sent me through a series of tests. The tests show that I have a bit of an anxiety disorder. Hmmm, how about that.
Last week Roger's step Mom, sister, her two children, and a cousin came to Utah. They have been driving around the country for the past two weeks. They started in Florida and drove to Texas to visit with Roger's brother, then though New Mexico, went to the Grand Canyon, came up through southern Utah, spent a day and a half here in the Salt Lake area, then went on to Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore, and will be back in Florida some time today... About 6,000 miles all together. Whew, when they go for a ride, they don't mess around. Anyway, the day they were scheduled to arrive here, I got so wound up about it that I threw up all over myself... Issues? Just a few...

Holy Crap!

Sometimes I am just shocked and amazed by all of the crap people keep. I personally, have stuff that I have had for years, and other than that, it is totally useless for me to keep it, I mean I will most likely never use it again. Some of the stuff that I have, I've been packing around for years, from one apartment to the next and have not used it at all. Roger and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and as of today, we have not made any headway in getting rid of any of the junk we have carried around with us all of these years. I have three boxes of things I have weeded out that I will send to Deseret Industries. The good folks there will put up for sale for a minimal price and someone who is a lot like me will come get it and pack it around with them for a few years, then they will box it up one day and send it on its way to a new home.

I have several boxes containing Christmas stuff… Room decorations and tree decorations and enough lights to light the Time Square Christmas Tree! And, needless to say I am the proud owner of THREE artificial trees. Well, the time has come to purge. I am sure there is some needy family somewhere that would love to add all of my crap to their crap. I know I say that every time we move and I usually do unload quite a bit of stuff, but I still end up keeping stuff I do not and will not use. I know its nuts.

 

Living in the Mountains

Roger and I have decided we need to move back to the valley in order to save a bit of money that, at this point seems to be getting spent on gasoline and not on paying bills or taking care of necessities. Now the task at hand is to find a place that will house all of our junk. I say junk because we seem to be collectors. Roger keeps and collects all sorts of things that for the most part is just stuff. I think he has a bit of "hoarder" locked somewhere in his soul. And me, I just think I need at least two of everything, whether I really need it or not. I think on both our parts, it's a mental thing. We really do have issues with all of this stuff.

While living up here I have learned a lot about myself. Perhaps that is the reason we ended up coming here for the short time we have been here. It has just been since November that we have been here, just 4 short months. In those 4 months, we have spent nearly $1,000 on heating fuel (way too much!!!)which in a regular apartment using natural gas, would be the equivalent of tw0 years worth of heat, and an additional $1,200 on gasoline to run up and down the mountain. Excuse my French, but HOLY SHIT!

I have learned that if I really want to live in a log cabin, I want one that is well insulated, well built, with level floors and uses a fuel that is more cost efficient than Liquid Propane.

I have learned that no matter who you call, unless that person or business is IN KAMAS, it is a long distance phone call.

I have learned that I don't particularly like being alone most of the time.

I have learned that I have a bad attitude about life. It kind of sucks most of the time.

I have learned that I am a political person, no ifs ands or buts about it. I never thought I was a political person, but with the state of the nation these days, I have found myself spouting off about a lot of things of a political nature.

That Girl!

I was looking at my niece Ashley's blog a few minutes ago. I had blogged about her once before on my old blog, but the kid just keeps getting better and better every day! I was reading her "story" on her business blog http://www.jadalovephotography.com/blog/?p=71 on how she came to be a photographer and it was inspiring.

What a lucky girl she is to be able to make a living doing something she shows such passion for and that she loves. So many people go through life in jobs they hate and end up bitter and unhappy because of it. Ashley is a very lucky and very talented girl.

I Need to Move

I think I need to be in a more level place, quite literally. I keep losing my balance in this house, probably due to the fact that there is not a level floor in the entire place. When I shower, I constantly lose my balance, and falling in the shower is not what I want to do. It is scary.

Living here in the mountains is nice, even though it is quite cold, and the cost of heating this unlevel, drafty house is horrendous! We have to have a satellite dish in order to watch TV because no TV signal can be attained here, which costs an additional amount of money per month to the tune of about $35. We also have to have a landline telephone as the cell phones cannot get signal inside the house…Another $35. And as I mentioned in my last post, the cost of Gasoline to drive up and down the mountain on a daily basis, then the cost of LP gas because the local natural gas company has not put any gas lines in the area. I figure that cost is probably pretty close to $100 per month. Therefore, the cost for the few things I have mentioned runs nearly $400 per month. We need to go back down the mountain to live, and then we will at least have food on the table.

A New Beginning

I have started a new blog. My old blog was good for me, but a member of my brothers family took everything I said personal and it ruined the concept of why I blog. I like to blog because it is a form of therapy for me. I can talk about things that bug me or things that I need to put more emphasis on and for some reason, putting it in writing helps me to process what I am feeling without getting all upset and worrying about it to the point of exasperation, or dwelling on things that are of no major significance but somehow, consume me. Also, I use my blog for working through problems that absolutely need to get resolved. I would go to a real therapist, but there is just no extra money in the budget.

Speaking of budgeting, I am having a problem with our home budget. There is more money going out than there is coming in. My husband and I moved to the mountains of Utah last November, and ever since we have been struggling to make ends meet. At this point, I don't think the ends are even on the same planet and we are starting to get behind on our monthly bills. We have old medical bills that need to get paid that have not been touched for a long time, and we both (my Husband and I) need to make some new medical bills, because it is time for a few procedures that have not been taken care of for a few years (Dental and Physicals etc.) because there is no money for them. I have worked our budget over and over and have decided after seeing the numbers, the only solution that I can come up with is that we need to move back to the valley where life is a bit less expensive and the cost of the commute alone will not put us in the poorhouse. I have figured out that if we did not have a 80 mile daily commute, we could save about $200 per month. That is a significant amount!

Convincing the husband is the problem. He absolutely loves living in the mountains, I do too, but I have to be realistic about the whole thing and it isn't working. Maybe once we get some of our bills paid off we can do it. But unfortunately, not right now.